-Family-

Family is a luxury for me. It always is.

My family was ruined by him at the first day of my STPM exam years ago. No one knows that how I felt that day. How awful it is for me. I hate him and I hate myself more at the same time. Luckily I already passed it off. Frankly, I almost forget how’s the feeling now. Now I used to be alone though I do feel lonely sometimes.

My friends always say that they will help me up and support me. But these words are rubbish for me all the time. Cause they couldn’t help any. And I don't wanna tell what is going on me to them. Cause I feel unsafe when many people know bout mine. Well, this circumstance makes me become more independent and strong. I’m not good in conversation makes my group small. So I just hang out with some “fixed” people that I know. I should appreciate because it is better than nothing right? Yeah, I do appreciate with what I have now. Things can see and can’t.

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I never feel so bad before. I thought you at least will treat me as a niece of you. But 31st of month fifth, you totally got me down. What I did and makes you looked me as a freak? Why you shown a cold and strange face to me? I totally have no idea what is happening that time you know? Was there any bad news or a good report from outside? I’m one of this family, your family, why y’all treat me like a stranger? I did something wrong? Though I knew I did something unwanted before. But I was changed somehow. I think you want to make me the last to know, don’t you?

You were here before to look after me. You’re just like an angel and you’re so fucking special for me that time. Day by day, I can see the real you now. Your tale dropped out. I feel so bad now. What you gave to me became a history. Your love your cares. Too bad. They jotted down in my mind. They become one thing called UNFORGETABLE.

Actually, I heard some things from D about the belongings. I knew y’all decide to make some changes out there. What I wish for at the beginning of this month seems to be real at the end of month. What a good news for me. Since I wanted to get out of here as fast as I can. But on the other hand, the relationship will just end like this. Then I started to be afraid.

I afraid that fella will screw me up again. Cause now I’m thinking of the agreement that me and that fella made and those papers I signed. Since y’all acted so weird to me these days make me feel real bad. I can’t sleep. I’m so suffer to being a girl, a lady. I can be better if I’m a boy. Everything just upside down here. Messy. I want to get out from here. I don’t belong here. But where to go then?

Mum, what you wish to see wish to have will achieve I think soon. R.I.P. mum and dad. Your daughter will never make our family name down.

H, I ain’t a priestess or any great person. You owe me nothing. I wish you and your family are being well always, too.

I think I’m insane. I’m totally out of my mind now. Who can help me out of this? Well, I know the answer is ME.

I love you all. No, I don't. Yes, I did. Uh... I don't know. Damn..